• i woke up at 2am unable to get back to sleep. i only got three hours out of that ambien. hope to get four out of the one i just took.
• part of not being able to get back to sleep is that i have sort of a list of things i need/want to do today scrolling through my head. most of it is stuff i’m excited about doing, so i just want my day to start. some of it is stuff i’m worried about forgetting. so i’ve got a couple levels of mild anxiety there, but it’s not the unpleasant kind.
• i really love my friends. i’ve got such a variety of relationships in my life and they all really feed me.
• a server in hawaii misunderstood my drink order and instead of bringing me the nonalcoholic drink i ordered, brought me a fruit martini. i couldn’t exactly taste a strong flavor of alcohol when i took a sip, but i got that warmth that booze gives and was like, “ummm, what is this drink again?” whoops! the way my body reacts instantly to just a sip of alcohol reminds me why i don’t drink the stuff anymore. the feeling of, “oh, hello, old friend, you precious nectar,” is absolutely not normal or “social.”
• i like the manicure i got yesterday.
• i’m looking forward to new makeup to play with tomorrow.
• now, should i try reading down here on the couch for a bit until i’m drowsy, or go back up to bed and read there? hmmm. i’m starting here and if i end up on the couch for the rest of the night that’s fine.
• maybe i should write down the scrolling to do list so i can let it go and not feel compelled to rehearse it in my head for fear of forgetting something. but i don’t feel like writing anymore so no. and good night.
gpoyw, winding down for the day. i got a lot of cool new makeup at sephora and i’m excited to put it on tomorrow. this isn’t the new stuff. (this is the stuff from this morning.)
i’m really really tired, but it’s the good kind of tired you feel when you’ve had a productive, meaningful, and enjoyable day. tomorrow is shaping up to be another good one, too
is that meme dead yet? i love the doge.
so anyway, today has gone very well. yesterday was my first day back after vacation, so it was basically just getting through emails and my mailbox. today is my first real workday as the rejuvenated me with the new plan and new attitude and new director’s office where i can be on my own.
before i left for vaca i was super stressed and sluggish and slackery with work. so now i’m trying something new with a fresh start. some of it’s pretty mundane, but it all adds up to a big paradigm shift.
• work with intention and integrity
• consider supervision of staff as a “research project” to uncover what works for each individual i supervise
• come in early so i can leave by 3:00
• wear makeup (it’s a feeling/attitude thing)
• dress more business casual than casual casual— jeans only twice a week instead of every day (this is not strict until i can save up and shop for some new clothes.)
• take real breaks (like now)
• spend more time considering prioritization of tasks and less time multitasking
• delegate but follow up promptly
• consistently work 40 hours a week to maintain balance, with no individual days longer than 9 hours
• schedule time to be in client groups
• schedule regular supervision with all staff and develop consistent threads to follow
OHMYFUCKING TACOS I JUST REALIZED THIS IS LIKE SOME SORT OF “SUCCESSORIES” MOTIVATIONAL POSTER.
okay, i’m sorry, it’s way more boring than food porn, self-portraits, vacation stories, and excessively personal information. i just need to write it out to help me keep my focus honed. vagueness is my enemy.
also, i still can’t believe i’m actually the boss of people and a program. it’s been two and a half years in this position, yet i continue to marvel at having had some success in my career. or even having a “career.”
fuck. (that was a good, contented “fuck.”)
part of my deal for trying to do my work with more intention and more integrity is to sit in on a few client groups. one aspect of this is that i’ll be more in touch with clients via direct observation rather than having only reports and interpretation from staff. the other piece is that i’ll be better able to supervise staff because i’ll have a better sense of where they need guidance and what their strengths are.
all this is to say that i’ve made a good start by attending this group, but, um, not really doing it as well as i can because here i am messing around on tumblr. but i’m starting!!
1. i’m in a race to see if i can write a list of ten truths before the ambien kicks in.
2. my cat lucy had a little piece of turd stuck to her butt fur. it was dried so i just pulled it out with my bare hand.
3. i’m sort of questioning whether or not i should get the laser treatment. still definitely doing the botox.
4. i am up way too late. i need to leave for work in six hours. i still feel kinda fucked up sleep wise from the long distance traveled west to east.
5. i have a LOT to do at work. it seems like i’ve been slow, stressed, and slacking for most of 2014. i feel refreshed and rejuvenated by my vacation and ready to rededicate myself and start kicking ass at work again. one important piece will be not leaving early every day. gee, there was rather a lot of alliteration in that first part.
6. husbo and i sleep in separate beds. rather, he sleeps in the bed, and i sleep on an air bed in another room. someday we will get our shit together and clean up the upstairs and then be able to both move into to the big bedroom.
7. i am glad i stuck to eating mostly healthy on my vacation and did some exercise consistently. i lost a couple pounds. just two pounds, yeah, but i need every little crumb of validation i can get that keeps me feeling healthy and noticing that healthier choices make me feel better.
8. i need some grown-up clothes to implement the “new me” plan for my work and my supervision style. i am going to dress businessier than is the typical “me” style, and I will consider it a costume that goes with playing the role of a boss. i want it that way so that the distinction between work self and relaxed self is clearer for me. that way, i’ll be better able to leave work at work and not let it mix in to my personal life, so then i can be fully present in my appropriate role when i am at work.
9. i ordered a nonalcoholic pomegranate “mojito” at a restaurant in maui. the waiter must have misunderstood me, because what he brought to me turned out to be a pomegranate martini. i took a sip and didn’t taste alcohol strongly, but I felt that spreading warmth and was like, hey, wait a minute…. so i asked my mom to taste to see if it had booze in it (she’s sober too, so I thought she’d know right away), but she wasn’t sure, and my SIL couldn’t tell, and then my dad was like, oh, yeah, definitely booze. so I asked for the right drink and all was well.
10. i started thinking i was a fabulous rich person when we were on that fabulous expensive vacation. well, i’m still fabulous, i’m just not rich, and i need to have the integrity/humility not to think i need wealth and material things to be okay. i need the courage to be who i really am.
i got home saturday and went to bed around 4:30 or 5:00. i pretty much stayed there until 8:30 this morning. part of feeling so out of it has got to be my house’s complete state of disarray. it’s more than the usual, way more, which i may write about later. i’m feeling a bit daunted by all the stuff i need to do.
anyway, i haven’t posted in a few days because i’ve been asleep.
how am i going to manage a normal schedule the day after tomorrow? damn.
plus i’m hungry and i’m not up to going to the store.
you know what? vacation comedown SUCKS.
the driver asked me where it was, not mentioning he had a GPS, so i hurriedly looked it up on my phone and got a bad map. so we went out of the way quite a bit.
now i’m next in line at the rental car place. this better be easy because i am fucking tired and ready to SNAP.
• get bags at baggage claim
• walk to other building to get cab
• cab to other side of town to get rental car because my car is wrecked
• deal with whatever hassles go down with a car rental paid by auto insurance
• drive way far to pick up rufus
• transport rufus home in rental car despite explicit NO PETS policy printed clearly on rental agreement
• get home, get luggage inside, get dog inside
i had a lot of grand ideas about staying up late to reset my body clock, but i’m pretty sure i’ll be asleep within fifteen minutes of walking in the door of my house.
feeling a little haggard. i’ve got about an hour before we land. I was able to get some sleep of pretty good quality. i’m still really tired, but not that edgy coming-down-from-a-crack-binge tired. jon is sleeping, despite his insistence that he would not do so. he doesn’t like to sleep on planes because of his sleep apnea making him snore. however, he hasn’t been snoring so all is well.
in first class we had blueberry cream cheese crêpes for breakfast.
i really wish I could wash my face and brush my teeth.
huh. it feels like we’ve started our descent, so maybe we’re getting in early? that would be nice. i’ll check the internet!
✈️ about to take off for the final flight of my trip home from hawaii.
✈️ i’m tired as fuck. it’s like 4:30am as far as my body knows, 8:30am here in phoenix, and 10:30am at home. i’m totally disoriented.
✈️ i can’t decide if i should buy wifi for this flight or if i should try to sleep. i think sleep first, and if i can’t, i’ll return to the internet.
✈️ there is a huge douchebag in front of us talking loudly on his phone complaining about some sort of glitch with his employee check-in. he says he’s going to write a letter. a letter!
✈️ this afternoon is going to be kind of complicated because we have to take a cab to get a rental car since my car is in the shop. my auto insurance covers 80% of the rental, and they won’t do those insurance things at airport branches because of taxes and fees or some such. then we have to pick up rufus. then i might craaaaaash.
✈️ what’s the best way to go about combatting jet lag? force myself to stay awake until bedtime tonight and hopefully reset my circadian rhythm? we’ll see.